Slytherin code of conduct: the rules
by silvergreenDream
Summary: How to live life in the snakepit?


Disclaimer: *reclining in desk chair while stroking my pimpcane* Alas, this round is for you miss Rowling.

**SLYTHERIN CODE OF CONDUCT**  
_101 Rules to Live By in Slytherin House_

1) For every rule there is a loophole.  
2) He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.  
3) Fight fire with fire or you're going to get burned.  
4) If it is self-defence, you can get away with murder.  
5) Good and evil is a relative concept.  
6) Live for the now, because the then is gone, and the will be might not.  
7) The grass is always greener on the other side: but there's no grass at all on the fence.  
8) If someone else can do something that you' d rather not as well as you can, get them to do it for you.  
9) Blood is thicker than water, but that doesn't mean blood can't be diluted.  
10) Never piss off anyone who can talk to snakes.  
11) An "honourable death" is still a death.  
12) There are two words that will solve any problem with a human source behind it- Avada Kedavra.  
13) Humanity is so overrated.  
14) Never wear red and gold.  
15) Bright colours are the devil' s work.  
16) Never forget the house colours- silver, green, and the unofficial third colour- black.  
17) Never wear tattoos, unless they feature snakes.  
18) Snakes rule and lions drool.  
19) If you want to rule the world, best to try the inconspicuous approach.  
20) Never get caught- it doesn't matter if you break the rules, just don't get caught.  
21) If someone must be blamed, make sure it's not you.  
22) Slytherins are not responsible for the stupidity of other houses.  
23) Trust no one.  
24) The good guys only win if the bad guys get caught.  
25) It never hurts to suck up to the boss.  
26) Declare peace every once in a while- it confuses the hell out of your enemies.  
27) Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.  
28) Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit- make sure it's you.  
29) Any weakness or mistake can be exploited.  
30) Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.  
31) Treat people in your debt like family- exploit them.  
32) Sometimes what you get for free costs entirely too much.  
33) Never give a mundane explanation when a magical one can be hinted at.  
34) If fair means have failed you, it's time to resort to foul.  
35) If foul means have failed you, it probably wasn't worth having anyway.  
36) If at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you tried.  
37) If fortune has presented you with an unexpected opportunity which you don't really deserve, the last thing you should do is correct the mistake.  
38) The truth is a terrible and dangerous thing and should be avoided if at all possible.  
39) If someone had the power to completely disarm you, take you apart from the inside out, turn their dreams into yours, invade every single part of your life and marry it with theirs so you don't know whose is whose anymore, bring you sobbing into their arms like the child you've always denied ever being, and destroy you utterly with a single glance; for God's sake, don't tell them!  
40) Your real feelings are a precious thing. And they should be better guarded than Gringotts.  
41) Don't underestimate the benefits of Muggle technology- there's no magical substitute for a rocket launcher.  
42) Or, for that matter, an armoured tank.  
43) Tantrums are good. A systematic and brutal revenge is better.  
44) There are very few things that can't have bets placed on them.  
45) Make sure you're the one taking the bets.  
46) Slytherins ARE sexier. Studies prove it (Sirius Black is the exception rather than the rule).  
47) Some Slyths rely on their wands. Others rely on their fists. Some rely on the power of a single glance. Others don't need to rely on anything at all because the mere mention of their name is enough. But the one weapon no Slytherin can afford to be without is the 'Witty Quip'. Have one ready at all times.  
48) There are many methods of achieving immortality. Fame. Fortune. Heroic deeds. Creativity. Lots and lots of descendents. However, the one you should favour is not dying.  
49) Absolute power corrupts absolutely; which is a problem if you're powerless.  
50) 'Hero' is not a compliment.  
51) 'Sneaky bastard' is.  
52) There is always a price.  
53) They only hate you because they're jealous.  
54) Keep smiling. A well-planned smile can be more frightening than a single glare.  
55) When someone pats you on the back, always check for a knife.  
56) The bigger the smile, the bigger the knife.  
57) Of all the Slytherins you will ever meet, there is one whom you should fear above all others. And that is the Slytherin Who Still Has A Cuddly Animal And Is Not Afraid To Show It.  
58) Never argue with the point of a wand.  
59) Material wealth may not be the most important thing in the world, but it's high up on the list.  
60) Never assume anything- a well-placed network of informants is much more efficient.  
61) Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over is you just sit there.  
62) There is nothing to fear but fear itself.  
63) Always be prepared; you never know when you need to bribe somebody.  
64) Kissing up is not just an art form, it's a way of life. A very productive and rewarding way of life.  
65) The greater the amount you are taking from someone, the greater the distraction must be.  
66) More is good, all is better.  
67) If you love it, let it go; if it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. Painfully.  
68) Choosing the path of least resistance is not a bad thing, nor is it always the right thing. But since when do we care what's 'right'?  
69) Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.  
70) Never make a deal with a Slytherin; you'll always get screwed over.  
71) The future of the world depends on the decisions of a few people. Always be sure you've got a say in the matter.  
72) If you're going to do something that they can hold against you, try something else first so you can say it was a last resort.  
73) If an opportunity for something you want presents itself; take it. Duh.  
74) Slytherins don't run away, we fall back.  
75) Being vague is always better than being specific. At least you have a margin, and you're often right.  
76) Friends come and go, but enemies multiply.  
77) Where there's a will, there's a way. Or, alternatively: Where there's a will, try to be in it.  
78) Always make sure you know what's in it for you- always.  
79) Make them think you're innocent; it makes hurting them later a cinch.  
80) Witty remarks and dry humour always work best when people are trying to hurt you.  
81) When all else fails, use the subtle art of sarcasm.  
82) If you are stronger, laugh. If you are weaker, run and hide.  
83) If you decide to be loud and boisterous, the best way to do it is to be in Gryffindor.  
84) If a Gryffindor trusts you, aren't you glad you aren't them?  
85) Never start on three; two is a much better substitute.  
86) When fishing for favours, always give the puppy-dog-eyes. The saps can't resist them.  
87) If you are cornered, break the wall.  
88) Never look back, unless someone is behind you.  
89) Never say never; I mean it, never!  
90) Don't run when you can hide.  
91) If you're going to hide, the best place is in plain sight.  
92) "Cant" isn't in a Slytherin's vocabulary (unless you're talking about someone in another house).  
93) Always keep your eyes and ears open; trouble will strike the moment you let your guard down.  
94) Despite how hard we try, life is still 100% fatal.  
95) The truth should always be guarded by a squadron of lies.  
96) When they say 'fortune favours the brave', what they really mean is 'Gryffindors only survive through sheer dumb luck' Emphasis on the dumb.  
97) Flattery will get you everywhere.  
98) Always remember, most kinds of trouble start off as fun.  
99) Laugh in the face of danger; then hide until it goes away- someone else will kill it for you.  
100) Never, ever, EVER moon a werewolf.  
101) Never kiss anything that has no soul, you mightn't like the result.


End file.
